so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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