I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
