how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
