You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
