If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
