If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
