I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
