I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
