Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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