Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
