i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
