Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
