All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. đ
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I guess Iâm only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to âMarilyn Monroeâ and âJoe DiMaggioâ in their condo
Randomize
