So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
