3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
