Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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