I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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