His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
