I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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