u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Randomize
