so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?