Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
