He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
