In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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