So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
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It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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