Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
