i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
