she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
