non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
