I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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