You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
