drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
