On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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