i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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