if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
