dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
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He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
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I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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