my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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