She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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