if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
