You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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