I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
