I didn't shave. On purpose
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
