So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
this is an emotional support booty call
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
