I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
