made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
How does one acquire holy water?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
