idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
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There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
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How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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