Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize