I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I am one with the molecules
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
