I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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