All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
