even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
