In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
