You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
