Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
