i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
