blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
