oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
