I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
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It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
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These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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